I have just returned from happy hour with my coworkers. Happy hour started at 4:30 and it is now 9:18 pm pacific standard time. I am not really drunk. Just tipsy. I even tried to use tipsy as my password. It’s not my password.
I am pretty sure I am tipsy not drunk because I can still tell when I spell something incorrectly. But then I have the clarity of someone who is drunk, hence I decided to write a blog post instead of buying all the things on Modcloth. All the things!
If what I am about to say is redundant I apologize but I need to say it. Over a year ago I just let go. I let go of me. Or rather I let go of the old me. I realized that I was doing things that didn’t make me happy. Why was I doing those things? I don’t know maybe out of a sense of obligation or out of a sense of guilt. What guilt? I don’t even know. I have always felt like I would make a good Catholic because I always felt guilty about everything. Happiness or sadness I always felt guilty.
Misplaced guilt is a cage. It is a horrible prison. I locked my self in that prison for years. But I stopped. I stopped doing the things that made be feel guilty. But I did not become a hedonist. I did become a bit more self centered, because if i did not do this I would be forever trapped in an ugly cycle of obligation.
What happened when I stopped doing the things i didn’t want to do…I became happy, I experienced contentment and joy. It had been a very long time since i had felt those things all at once. Yes, there were spurts of those feelings throughout my life but now I could experience those things long term. I still feel those things, and not because I have had more than one glass of wine this evening; but I have become more at ease with who I am.
Who am I? I am the gal who likes PC games over console games. I am the gal who is introverted so large gatherings are now avoided as much as possible; unless it is someone I absolutely adore. I am the gal who will eat that foot long chili cheese dog from Sonic and enjoy every bite. I am that gal who sees the benefits of technology but still understands the importance of the old ways (postcard exchanges and pen-pals). I am the gal who always knew deep down that her relationship was not going to follow the accepted norm of relationships. i.e. my boyfriend is a bigger geek than I.
I am a geek and I wave that flag proudly. I am curvy and I rock those curves as often as self-consciousness allows. And if I want to spend a Saturday on the couch watching “Psych” or “Heart of Dixie” than by Jove I am going to do that. I had more to say but at this point I don’t remember what it was.
*Please take this post with a grain of salt because I had five glasses of red wine at least and not enough to eat.