I want to write. No, I need to write. The tips of my fingers are itching to make words. The problem is I can’t take what I have been feeling the last few weeks, or months and turn it into some creative short story or through the writing process add it to a manuscript.
I want to throw things. I have had this feeling for the last couple of years. I want to engage in destructiveness. I am assuming that hearing a glass bottle, glass plate or glass object breaking would be very satisfying. I have no place to throw things.
I want to stab myself in the leg with a fork. This isn’t a new feeling either. It lingers in the back hiding and then on some days, or weeks, it likes to surface and run through my head. Taunting me, cause ultimately it would be a very bad idea to do that, and not very satisfying. It really wouldn’t accomplish anything.
My compartmentalized feelings keep getting knocked down and mixed up. I blame work. I blame break ups. I blame annoying gamer boys (see previous post for reference). Feelings are nicely tucked away in nice Tupperware containers and stacked up. But now and then the stack gets knocked down. Sometimes the lid on the container wasn’t as tight as I thought it was and things start to leak and get mixed up. Then I have to scrape up the sludge that is my feelings and find their proper container. This is getting hard to do.
I did make one decision recently and that was to go to grad school to get my Masters of Fine Arts in Creative Writing. The preliminary parts of a few applications are completed i.e. they know my name and address. But everything is disorganized and I need to sit down and get them done. However, my head won’t concentrate long enough to get them done. Because if I get them done and mail them off and I am not accept does that mean I am a crappy writer? If I get accepted where am I going to get the money?
Instead of all that, I sit here writing a blog in some hopes that it will help with something. It hasn’t spurred the creative process, it has just kept me from cleaning my apartment.