Here I go again, on my own

Monday January 17, 2011 my 1.7 year relationship came to close. In handful of text messages we reached the decision to end the relationship.  It was short. It was quick. It was business-like. It was cold. It was mutual.

I have to tell myself every day that we decided to end the relationship.  If I don’t tell myself that then my over thinking brain kicks into over drive and I start wondering about what happened. Why did it end so quickly? What could I/we have done to make the relationship work? Did he find someone else?  If he had been unhappy for a couple of months does that mean all the joy I felt on my birthday a bunch of bullshit?  There are dozens of other questions warring in my head.  All those questions don’t matter, because it was a mutual split.

Even though it was mutual it still hurts. Everything I did and put up with for 1.7 years wasn’t enough to keep him interested or happy. And I miss him. I miss his smile, his eyes, his physical strength, his motivational texts, the way he smelled, etc….He was my number one person for a long time.  It is hard to adjust from interacting with someone each day to being completely cut off from them.

Part of me wants to take it back and reverse what occurred last week. My friends will think I am crazy, but I wish I was still in a relationship with him. I want the good times back and all the hugs and cuddles. But I know the break-up was right for both of us. His priorities are his self and weightlifting, everything comes tertiary in his life. He would never been the guy who would sit next to me at church or play a game of “Hand and Foot” with me and friends.

Therefore, I am single again.



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