As I sit and wait for the guy I am dating to return my text my heart is filled with a cacophony of emotions. A few hours ago I just completed my first 10 hour work day. I’m tired. My body hurts and I think I am going to have an emotional breakdown. As evidenced by the two sobbing fits I’ve had in the last three hours.
Since the beginning of the New Year I have felt as if I am an unwitting participant in a trial- by- fire. Work has been disastrous for me and my co-workers, a handful of them I can count as good friends. The company I work for has slowly been weeding out its vast garden of employees across the United States. For the first few layoffs that took place my department was safe, but there was something else in store for us. At the beginning of the year my team of four was cut to a team of two. It eventually became a team of three, but then yesterday it was reduced to two and a new person. We spent the day scrambling to get a game plan for how we are going to handle the left over case load, left behind unwittingly by the other coordinator.
I’ve spent the last two months powering through my caseload always staying a few days ahead of deadline. But it’s starting to take a toll. I’ve had the same headache for the past two weeks, no amount of caffeine or water or aspirin can relieve the pain. Headaches tend to make me sloppy and exhausted. My apartment is a mess, I am trying to catch up on laundry tonight but the clothes will probably just sit in the dryer until the weekend or maybe even until next week. There have been very few days this year where I haven’t wanted to either throw plates at the wall or curl up into a ball and cry.
It doesn’t help that the tension in my work life and personal life are mounting. Every day my friends and I are worried that we might be losing our jobs. And things are changing, all around me the people I am closest to are changing their lives or their schedules or habits. I look at myself and I seem rooted in the same spot while everyone is swirling around me, some drifting away, some coming closer and then quickly pulling back, and the rest are fading away in the distance.
I guess this is the life of an adult…